{proof}

The movie was like a book filmed...but only till its prologue...It was aptly short, with no extra trimmings. Especially endearing was Gwyneth Paltrow's performance of the daughter who is convinced at one point by her sister that she was crazy...as crazy as the man she loved and cared for the most. The pain of having his dreams crash that he was so oblivious to, that he was thrilled to achieve it, was heartwrenching...A daughter's agony stemming from her dad's hurt pride in any way is an emotion no daughter ever gets over...

"When i saw it, I feel like I'm missing something - a part of my own self in my life. I'm a bit crazy. I don't think straight. And it takes an effort for me to really talk straight and simple. I'm always a bit paranoid about the people I love. Yes, that's me. Deep within me sits the fear of being alone. Of losing them. All alone. With no one to care for me. Where I will have no one to love me. Like sitting at the point where land ends in a strip of sand and just the sea to walk into, stretching beyond your visual horizon.And that's why (maybe) i prefer being alone, aloof and maybe distant most of the times. The deep fear that i'll lose that one person if i get close to him or her.

It is that reason which makes me play pendulum on some level: swinging close to someone and then, after sometime, drifting apart. I try to be worldly. But inside of me I'm not. In me lies a girl who loves fiction. Who wants her life to be as quietly synchronized as the rhyme of natural poetry. But juxtaposing it is her reality which she can't control, try as she might.
I am NOT your average gal.
And I AM confused because I am considering many roads at the same time.

(I hear myself ask) What do i wanna do?
(I hear myself say...) Study. In college. Learn. Discover something new everyday. Stumble. Fall. Over a half-mowed campus lawn in frenetic exhilaration on having understood some theorem/theoy in its purest lucidity.

What is my most intimate dream? Home....house.

What am i absolutely crazy about? Music. Books. Of which i have so less nowadays....psst...I'd always have this crazy thought that i'd own a heap of books (literally!:) ) and sit on TOP of that heap and read em...gradually reducing the heap size...sinking lower and lower to ground! :) :) :)

What do i want the most in my man?

To "know" i'm crazy and love me and respect me for that. Be proud of me. Accept ALL of me. My possessiveness. My paranoia. My crazy girlish dreams. Someone who's life depends on me. And who trusts me, beyond everything, 'implicitly' as computer geeks would call it.
And maybe someone who'd help me do math.And makes me read out his textbooks.

Santé!!To Mike and Phoebe! who are {proof} enough..."

--- Les pages de mon journal intime.aujourd'hui.

Random thoughts...

As i cry on feeling the same pain a zillionth time :
" You've made me smile so often,
It would shame the galaxies on their count of stars..."

As i passed the same streets to go to a place people call my 'home' :
" A woman can only be truly understood, if her silence can be completely understood..."

As i wake up in the morning after a hard night of shattered faith :
" I wake up to die again..."

As i get a compliment :
" I wish it were you saying those words love..."

As every song i hear that has the word rainbow is beautiful :
" Rainbows = you dr"

As i'm told how wrong my messages were :
" Why couldn't u just love all of me...even the nastiest of girls are made to feel more loved..."

As i lay benumbed by reality in darkness :
" I'm going back to my childhood where i could scream, but only in my head...
And no one would ever find out...how agonising a child feels when she screams..."

As i hear my classic fave song 'Be The Man' :
" Song left undedicated..."

As the strains of guitar inundate me :
" Wish music could leave me deaf..."

As i brush my teeth :
" Miss u."

Understanding - Evanescence

You hold the answer deep within your own mind
Consciously, you've forgotten it
That's the way the human mind works
Whenever something is too unpleasant
Too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it
We erase it from our memory
But the imprint is always there

The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth that finds a way for who we are

Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence screaming at our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time

We're supposed to try to be real
We feel alone when we're not together and that is real

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The light that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot bear it all alone

You're not alone, honey
Never, never

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
Move it all away
Move it all away

But the imprint is always there
Nothing is ever really forgotten

God, please don't hate me
Because I'll die if you do
Because I'll die if you do
Because I'll die if you do
Because I'll die if you do

Because I'll die if you do

Why Marry?

I've always been against marriage, simply coz i never believed people could marry for the right reasons. But of late, as i fall deeper and deeper into love, and started facing more and more restrictions against it, i suddenly feel like wanting to be more with that person and without being asked for justifications.
When together in danger and distress, i realized how much of my strength was truly because he was by my side... When one by one, my friends would leave for distant cities, i realized how terrifyingly lonely i'd feel if he went away...how empty. Indeed the city would look like a swarm of faceless zombies moving about, while i'd keep searching for his face, his eyes, the darkness below them, the long hair, the worn-out ring... all personifying the languid sweetness of the man, who's my own.
To be with him, through the odd hours of the day, or when the midnight oil burns as he studies quietly, or early morning as he drifts off to sleep, making him breakfast, listening to his fave songs that i can't decipher, watching ol' movies together, listening to his comments, putting up lanterns or windchimes with him...to argue about what will go where...and then to collapse, exhausted,in each other's arms laughing about the whole fight!
I guess this is a good enough reason, to want to spend a lifetime together.
In the loved hours, the quiet hours, the sad moments, the off-colored hours, the busy hours, the rainy days, the lazy afternoons, the cold evenings, the stressful days, the hectic mornings, the humid nights...
To just be there...

À mon medecin...

The synchronous ballet of your thoughts
The ephemeral beauty of pathos
The fatal power of missing you
The fall of tears like blood from the heart.

Your every hurt deepens my existence
I roam in hallways of your heart...maybe even your soul
Who captures whom, we're both unawares
My vision searches fields for the boy in you with the rainbow.

You play with marbles as I'm barefoot
You're the riddle,
the epitome of incomprehensible simplicity
I view the cherry blossoms, but they're so far away...
Like the first eye contact with the innocence of a child.

The lilt of your language, my strange undoing
The dreams I've built quietly of you, your anonymous humility
The thick expanse of homegrown ol' willows
In my heart is your residence of solitude.

Tread gently, O my li'l lover
You're losing touch with the little girl
You inspire her creativity,
With every gesture...
Are you aware you operate her heart in open surgery?
Every moment?
-dedicated to piyush.

I'd written this while coming back home down the usual route the bus takes...
I just decided I'd spend time with the one i miss the most, sometimes even when he's there with me.So what if its only in my mind....
The beginnings came from the track Understanding by Evanescence. I just stumbled on it by chance...After i heard it once,i looked around coz i wanted to share it with him.But he was unreachable.
I just pulled myself back in, and went back to listening it again.This time though the focus couldn't be on hearing the song completely...my mind wandered.Rather my heart felt the absence.
I suddenly felt so tired, emotionally, that if i were to die then, my soul wouldn't come to know.
I felt, the biggest lie has propagated into the world : love is the strongest force in the world.Is it strong?
If so, then why would two lovers, both hurt, both longing for each other, both longing to be in each other's arms, would still not allow that to happen? Anger, frustration, ego...seem so much stronger than love today.

I thought of posting my previous poems here, but then realized it's not such a clever idea to keep doing Copy+Paste @ the end of the day AGAIN!!!

So here's where someone who has time to spare, and the mood for someone else's creativity can find some of my previous poems....

http://attiraante25.multiply.com/

Do let me know how you found them.
until then... take care! :)