{proof}

The movie was like a book filmed...but only till its prologue...It was aptly short, with no extra trimmings. Especially endearing was Gwyneth Paltrow's performance of the daughter who is convinced at one point by her sister that she was crazy...as crazy as the man she loved and cared for the most. The pain of having his dreams crash that he was so oblivious to, that he was thrilled to achieve it, was heartwrenching...A daughter's agony stemming from her dad's hurt pride in any way is an emotion no daughter ever gets over...

"When i saw it, I feel like I'm missing something - a part of my own self in my life. I'm a bit crazy. I don't think straight. And it takes an effort for me to really talk straight and simple. I'm always a bit paranoid about the people I love. Yes, that's me. Deep within me sits the fear of being alone. Of losing them. All alone. With no one to care for me. Where I will have no one to love me. Like sitting at the point where land ends in a strip of sand and just the sea to walk into, stretching beyond your visual horizon.And that's why (maybe) i prefer being alone, aloof and maybe distant most of the times. The deep fear that i'll lose that one person if i get close to him or her.

It is that reason which makes me play pendulum on some level: swinging close to someone and then, after sometime, drifting apart. I try to be worldly. But inside of me I'm not. In me lies a girl who loves fiction. Who wants her life to be as quietly synchronized as the rhyme of natural poetry. But juxtaposing it is her reality which she can't control, try as she might.
I am NOT your average gal.
And I AM confused because I am considering many roads at the same time.

(I hear myself ask) What do i wanna do?
(I hear myself say...) Study. In college. Learn. Discover something new everyday. Stumble. Fall. Over a half-mowed campus lawn in frenetic exhilaration on having understood some theorem/theoy in its purest lucidity.

What is my most intimate dream? Home....house.

What am i absolutely crazy about? Music. Books. Of which i have so less nowadays....psst...I'd always have this crazy thought that i'd own a heap of books (literally!:) ) and sit on TOP of that heap and read em...gradually reducing the heap size...sinking lower and lower to ground! :) :) :)

What do i want the most in my man?

To "know" i'm crazy and love me and respect me for that. Be proud of me. Accept ALL of me. My possessiveness. My paranoia. My crazy girlish dreams. Someone who's life depends on me. And who trusts me, beyond everything, 'implicitly' as computer geeks would call it.
And maybe someone who'd help me do math.And makes me read out his textbooks.

Santé!!To Mike and Phoebe! who are {proof} enough..."

--- Les pages de mon journal intime.aujourd'hui.