l_enigme_du_medecin

2007-02-10T00:48:00.000-08:00

Demise

RagDoll - Maroon 5

How ya feelin?
When the day has had its way with both of us
And oh! I've gone out of my way but im not free
From this pain im reelin
I was a fool to think someday you would come around
But no no no, I'm not thinkin that way
Cause now i see

You are not what you seem
You are a mystery to me
Sometimes I just want to scream
I think you should just go away cause
There's no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
Forget it baby you're not comin in

hows your day been, yeah
cause mine has taken straight and ugly turns
but no no no, i feel better today
cause im off my knees

You are not what you seem
you are a mystery to me
sometimes I just want to scream
I think you should just go away cause
theres no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
forget it baby you're not comin in

A hot minute for a life of sorrow
no you cant come back tomorrow
shut my windows lock my doors
cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore
yeah

I think you should just go away cause
theres no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
forget it baby you're not comin in
a hot minute for a life of sorrow
no you cant come back tomorrow
shut my windows lock my doors
cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore!

oh, yeah!
yeah!

cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore!

____________________________________________

Dreaming with a broken heart... - John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering: was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not...
'Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
But she can't...
'Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses, with roses in my hand?
And would you get them if I did?
No you won't...
'Cause you're gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

____________________________________________

Thinkin' about you... - Norah Jones

Yesterday I saw the sun shinin'
And the leaves were fallin' down softly
My cold hands needed a warm, warm touch
And I was thinkin' about you

Here I am lookin' for signs of leaving
You hold my hand, but do you really need me?
I guess it's time for me to let you go
But I'll be thinkin' about you
I'll be thinkin' about you

When you sail across the ocean waters
And you reach the other side safely
Could you smile a little smile for me?
Cause I'll be thinkin' about you
I'll be thinkin' about you
I'll be thinkin' about you
I'll be thinkin' about you
_____________________________

This happens to be the last post on this blog...

The lover in me for the love who inspired this blog, has died at long last.

...and for better, hopefully, i'll let her...

Rest In Peace.

2007-01-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

To the dear dr i once loved...

http://mydream2catch.blogspot.com/2007/01/guardian-angel.html

To that sweet man who could never see me cry,
...The one who craved for my smile,
To that wonderful man who was the only occurrence of Serendipity in my life,
...The man who was better than the man of my dreams,
To the man who promised he'd be with me till death
...The man who destroyed all of me eventually
To the man who loved me with my bad shoes,
...The man who wanted to steal me away to solapur
To the man who could never say "i love you"
...The man who gave me his heart while he was hurting so much

To the man who should've taught me to drive a car,
...The man who might've tolerated my prudishness,
To the man who should've shared his music with me,
...The man who might've understood my thriftyness
To the man who should've taught me to hold a fork,
...The man who might've endeared my sluggishness,
To the man who should've taught me to give CPR,
....The man who might've found me worth giving up smoking for,
To that man who spoke sweeter than honey...
....a sound that still echoes in my heart...
The very same man who couldn't but one promise keep...
.....to leave me hanging on to him in the dark.

~luv u dr.

2006-10-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

Lighter Days

...and there are days like these...
Like the smell of cinnamon,melting in coffee...
Like bathing your senses,with vanilla fields
Like these lighter dayswith no chromatic keys

...and there's something so stupid happening...
You just can't stop recalling
and laughing like you never did
You're counting the trees passing
by on your return journey
You're living lighter days
with no trace of memories!

...and you get raspberry color in your hair...
You just dance on some John
Mayer music naked
You just stick out your tongue
to taste the rain all over again
You just blow pink bubbles
sauntering down the walkway...

...one of these lighter days
...the sun will shine on your bed
...you relish the freshly baked bread
...you'll wake up with a tune in your head.

2006-10-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Let that be enough - Switchfoot

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles spend their time collapsing

{*}
Let me know that you hear me p'ysh
Let me know your touch p'ysh
Let me know that you love me p'ysh
Let that be enough.

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Yeah who am I just a kid who knows she's needy...

2006-10-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

Beyond.
written for my Rock group(unchristened as yet!)

(chorus)
Beyond your reach
Beyond your hate
Beneath your love
Beyond your faith,i shall lay.

I brood in my tomb of silence about
the bygone days
If that's the only way to keep in touch
when you deign
To show me that somewhere for me you
still care
And you've not yet undone 'us'
thru your strength.

(chorus)
Beyond your reach
Beyond your hate
Beneath your love
Beyond your scathe,i shall remain.

Don't fake aloofness cos you'll just
fail my respect
N when u do that, i so wanna
slap you in your face
You're burning this love up like
one of your cigarettes
Wake up before you become unloved like
the whore next to you in the train.

(Bridge)
Wake up before you feel like
a wasted doll at your desk.

(chorus)
Beyond your greed
Beyond your pride
Beneath your love
Beyond your vanity,i'll dig my grave.

2006-10-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

On my epitaph...

"She was an enigma to all who knew her...
But she always longed to be 'Esther'...and read
'The Zahir' to the man she confided her Soul to."

2006-10-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

10 (crazy) things i'd like to do in the next 5 yrs...

Take a pilgrimage down the road of San Tiago.(thanks to Paulo Coelho!!)
Travel allll of Europe...esp. France!!(j'adore bien cet pays!!)
Cut my own album with all my original songs.
Go sky diving and horse riding and scooba diving!!! :)
Learn the violin in a school of Music in Vienna, Austria.
Adopt a child - preferably an Indian girl.(serious about this one,but will have to build my own home first!!!)
Travel a desert and stay there for atleast a week.(listen to the sounds of the sifting dunes)
Make love on a beach by moonlight! :)
Act in a foreign language film!(have always desired this...!)
Undergo past-life regression therapy and obtain answers to the why's and how's.

2006-10-13T14:22:00.000-07:00

Music be...

Music be my dope, i'm a levitating addict
Music be my conflict, i'm a philosophising lunatic
Music be my lover, i'm constantly orgasmic
Music be my peace, i'm blissfully crazy

Music be my pain, i'm a fucking masochist
Music be my pleasure, i'm a passive hedonist
Music be my life, i'm spinning reincarnations on a wheel
Music be my death, i'm the fire of the phoenix

Music be my solitude, i'm the haunt of a midnight oasis
Music be my loneliness, i'm the north star of the ships
Music be my unrest, i'm the transition of galaxies
Music be my meditation, i'm the slumber of rolling hills

Music be my story, i'm the timelessness of destiny
Music be my God, i'm the baby of Eternity.

- a sonnet in honor of music - whose humble slave i forever intend to be...
- 5th octobre.

It was when i stepped offstage that evening, after successfully rendering Sweet Child O' Mine, could i finally sleep in my bed peacefully without guilt - guilt that i could sing, but was a disdainful reflection of it onstage. After having lost everything to a man, when the success registered, it brought with it a haunting, still emptiness. The conquest of beginning again with the only strand of hope i had left in me of growth had been achieved. It was over for it had begun. I achieved a drunk stupor, an overbright smile and a carelessness of manner - for nothing would suffice to express the hollowness of the depression.
The journey inward has begun. And as it pains more with each passing day, i refuse to blind myself with tears for long, refuse to ask myself questions of him, and call upon my Master to bring forgiveness in my wake. There can be no respite now...but Death.

2006-10-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

A few more thoughts spiralling through my head...

* If age is a state of mind, i'm a 100 years old.

* If the pain of losing a loved one is strong, the pain of inacceptance from a loved one is far worse.

* Confidence is the enlightenment of balance that strikes you when you're in the midst of walking a tightrope.

* Your apathy doesn't matter anymore, 'cos i have passed my life away loving you.

* When you've lost your Soulmate, fame and success lick your feet making you feel emptier still.

* Singing a song is like having sex with a person; everytime you do it, you rediscover the pleasure of discovering another nook and corner and it elevates you higher and higher until you can hold the orgasm in no longer (until you can sing the song no more beautiful) and then you crystallise all your feelings into tears on his/her skin...like pearls from a broken string.

* Of all the walls you have to break in life, bringing down the mental walls is tougher than breaking those of fate.

* Everyone prepares for something good to come into their lives, but very few are prepared for what follows it.

* Keep your eyes open so you can never see the faults.

* When you hear music that reaches deep into your soul, it feels like candles melting in your veins.

* Laughter is my defence mechanism to the apalling absence of good humor in me.

* Men of today seem to be born with an amnesia of what honor means to a woman...and the culture of today simply amplifies its blissful ignorance, or obscures its rare presence.

* "Tests of love always end badly."

* "With my body, i thee worship."
- A Scottish vow.

* "Nothing in life is a coincidence."
- Paulo Coelho, The Pilgrimage.

2006-09-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

Thank You.

As i reopen your blog
My heart trips over a beat
Like the way it did
When for the first time, you were angry
at me.

It's funny how much i've changed
Since you blazed out my life
I never knew i could hate
Love or you so much.

It's the truth that you know even
Furs or expensive dinners
Were never my interests ever
'Cept for maybe a cheap flower.

But you somehow find
Some or the other way to demean
Every good faith i've held
In my heart for you and your love.

Now i find it all too ironic that i had to
Fall in love with you who is disabled
Of the ability to understand and accept
Me with my embarrassing foibles
And maybe 'twas just
Some past-life debt i owed you
And that's the final reason
As Dr.Weiss helps me to cope.

Ask me for reasons to trust me
And u know your just making excuses
To slap me in the face like you've picked
From the filthiest part of your nature.

Now it just makes me smile in agony
When i recollect "actions speak louder than words"
Coz baby when i started taking your word for it
You caring a shit for me became so evident.

Sure you always had the cash
To help a friend and empty your pocket
But when i asked u to pay for my pass
You found it worse than charity.

Coming back to your latest post
It's typically self-centred of you
Asking for understanding when u have none
Would you ever have the realisation
Of impairing someone with your expectation,
Sweet hollow words and lack of action?

You write so well but if only you could
Be that person you were, when you were alone
We'd burn the midnight lamps together
Dream that our baby you would deliver.

When you spoke like a worldly man
Of the Bugattis you'd one day have
I'd see you only without your posessions
Loving me with carefree abandon.

Did i break your trust and faith
When i shared the wonderful man
I was ecstatic to have found in you,
With my parents and friends?

You will be loved my worst friend
We were meant to be...not together
And its so damn hard to keep telling you goodbye
When all i want is for you to come back.

Thank you for posting my dear.

Sometimes love just aint enough...

Close your eyes u say,
that i shall...
waiting for absolvation
from all your memories each day
i still wake up in vain
glance at my cell for your messages
still dream away, nights are deranged
but i shall pass away,
from your life so you'll be happy again
like you were before we met
i'll leave without a whisper
i'll fade without a tremor
i'll leave this world without even a stir
and will be nowhere to be found
so you'll be nice and okay
hoping some day you'll meet your wife
she'll be someone happy
and i hope she'll be all you dreamed
and for all the disappointments
i brought alongwith me
she'll make up for with alacrity
see i can see ya
happy with another girl
wondering why she looks so much like me
like watching a wish-granting mirror
maybe that's cos i'm so stoned
i just wanna let u go
u be free,i'll be happy
i wanna steal a look of your smile
just for a while
from the other side
of these barbed fences
a beggar of your presence...
i've been rambling on
and done a wild goose chase
from what i really wanted to say
your love was so true...
that it really was a hoax
no one could love as much
and leave without a trace in just half a year
but hey, you can always be the jerk
i'll still always be shit to you
and you could be my newspaper boy
or u could be a sloppy waiter
or u could be homosexual
or maybe a harsh, inhuman doctor,
it wouldn' really matter,
i'd have loved you just as much,
i'd have moped feeling still as bitter,
and accuse me of selfishness
baby lemme just make most of it
Lemme speak all the harsh words here,
so u hate me so much more,
its easier 4 u to move on,
i can see it's working,
on your way to being free,
come on, hate me now,
will me to die,
will me to fade,
will me to be destroyed,
will me to meet my end.

2006-09-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

A moment in a million others...

Staring at the screen i try to make sense
Of the words trying to sink in.
Through the thoughts of you swirling
Noisily in my head towards no ending.

Even my fave songs aren't making
Any efforts in soothing me
As i grope for some conclusion or
A respite to the clanging memories.

Do i make a trip to the coffee machine again?
Or do i fiddle with my inbox for a while?
And thru' it all i know i;ll desperately fail
To get rid of your thoughts as i do this all.

It seems to need some great task,
Like maybe a trip to the moon
But as i'm grounded here, i think
It might take more than 365 trips
around the sun.

2006-09-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Some of my classic bookmarked esoteric associations with zodiac signs.

Aquarius
Butterflies(called "papillon"," mariposa", "titli", "borboleta") ...their flitting nature, habits,colors, etc. with the sign of Aquarius.

Gemini
Associated Geminis with a small bird, but with a very strong musical voice and a sharp eye for movement on the branch of a tree with small leaves with small red fruits!

Scorpio
Associate Scorpio with a part of the sea that finds an inlet into a hidden cave,making it cooler, but creating some kind of reflections on the walls and the ceiling... it's essentially water that can percolate through(and persuade) anything...if it wants to.

Cancer
I see Cancer as a lady in draped in white, standing on the beach where the surf breaks on a
Full moon night...there's something mysterious about the plays of control there...like the
moon controlling the tides...the waves washing her feet trying to pull her in and yet, at the
same time, she's figuring something out looking at the ocean stretched out in front of her
with the moon "presiding" above... Or is she presiding over the whole scene... somewhat like Galladrielle in LOTR.

Of course, these apply for both men and women of the respective signs.

Pisces
Pisces is somehow "different"...i can never really place my finger on any one particular
thing when i think of Pisces/a Piscean...they're somewhat skiddish..slippery...But there's a
depth in every Piscean i've met so far...a sense that they have their own world...like
castles and a lost city in the deepest of the oceans,known and carrying Magic only to
them...somewhat like the lands underwater in The Little Mermaid.Everything is
very...moirée - wavelike patterns - and however much u observe, u still won't recognise the
patterns,or their periodicity. And yea,one will somehow be drawn to unburden their sorrows to a Piscean...

2006-09-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

Ballade d'amour

It doesn't matter now how much you think of me
All that matters is the lifetime of pain you gave
Every irregularity of an event
Makes me think of your judgemental opinion
And every mundane chore
Of your disdain against me.
Every lust in a man's eyes
Makes me want to scratch them out in derision
And every appreciation of a good in me
Makes me hate my life all the more.
And you'd be lying down somewhere
At this unkempt hour...
Soliciting your kindness to
Another of your friends
Which you didn't think of doing
To a lover you paced in anger upon,
Like a rug at the foot
Of your canopied bed.

Every waking moment is spent
Vainly trying to hold myself
-Back from your memories
-Careening dangerously in hoping
that you'd come back.

Come back, yes, my precious
But the next time with some flowers
An honor, n some humility in yourself;
Come back, with a need for who I am
Not to flit away, but to anchor yourself
In me permanently.
And i'm waiting and chastising
My own true self...
To appeal to you selflessly
Next time when...if you come back.
Or maybe i might just
See you in heaven next
For which i'll wait for death,
With bated breath,
While i pray for your longevity
And good health and happiness.
And I hope you won't make me cry
When i'll kiss your feet to greet you
As the doors of heaven open to you
Like a Man you'll come home,
From battles, to find your lady
Waiting to hold you and rest
In your arms atlast...in peace.

2006-08-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

Aquarius

"All this time the Guard was looking at her,
first through a telescope,
then through a microscope,
and then through an opera-glass.
At last he said, 'You're travelling the wrong way',
and shut up the window..."
--Lewis Carrol, Alice In wonderland

Attributed to the sign of Aquarius.

"Jingle bells on the seashore,
birthdays at dawn,
Valentine's Day on Halloween,
rainbows at midnight.
Pin a red heart on an orange pumpkin,
roll Easter eggs in the snow,
light candles on the cake on top of a ferris wheel,
you're in love with an Aquarian, didn't you know?"

---For the Aquarius man.
He will forever be loved.
Linda Goodman's Sun Signs.

2006-08-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

Useful Links

Find out about your Personality Type

Do go thru the following links:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

which gives a very good personality test...n to visit d page of your personality type, go here:

http://www.personalitypage.com/INTP_rel.html

jus type ur personality type instead of "INTP" in the above link to get more info about that type.
Btw, mine is:
Type is:
INTP
Introverted Intuitive Thinking Perceiving Strength of the preferences %
39 62 1 22
Another useful link that tells about brain usage:

http://www.rcw.bc.ca/test/personality.html

This link opens up to a game BRAIN.EXE that has a series of very simple questions that will determine whether you use your left brain more(used for mostly mathematics, logic,etc.) or your right brain more(used mostly for intuition,abstraction,imagination and creativity). By this you will know how balanced your brain usage is. Also it determines whether you are more perceptive visually or auditory.

Also don't forget to read your personality sketch at the end of the test. :)

hope y ou all enjoy these tests as much as i did!

tc all. God Bless...

2006-08-01T11:52:00.000-07:00

Tear her, spare her.

You bedded her like a princess
And called her a whore
Hey do you know that was exactly
What someone did to her before?
She was at her listening best
You found her a stupid bore
Now she kisses your picture
As you loathe to even think of her.

There's a radical confusion
She's been spiralling in
She loves you but refuses
To let you back in her life to tear
Tear her, and pull her faith apart
As she holds out to you her bleeding heart.

You were slightly impressed
By the best of her talents
You spoke of being a producer
To her songs you weren't even patient to hear
You spoke of empty words she spoke while
Your actions screamed disrespect in her face
Are you happy now, o sweet womaniser,
That you've flicked her away like your used cigarette?

There's an indignant reconciliation
The way she's found peace within
She prays for your safety but accepts
Only her loss with none of yours you have spare
Spare her, and don't put in hollow words of care
As you'd hold out a burning matchstick in the rain.

- 1st Auôt, 2006.

2006-08-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

Trying to forget.

Trying to forget - 10000 feet
high i felt when you danced
close to me on kala chashma.

Trying to forget - 2000 degrees
of warmth you filled me up with
on that cold, final December night.

Trying to forget - 6 feet
tall you made me feel sans a heel
as u took me piggyback on a high evening.

Trying to forget - 10000 feet deep
u buried me with your expectations
as i tried to meet them all being Miss Earth Imperfect.

Trying to forget - 1 week
of following you when you led me
to the end of my journey for a soulmate.

Trying to forget - Eternity
you've sold to me as u keep away
intimacy, making me your lonely slave.

Trying to forget - dextrose 5 percent
of dreams you impregnated
causing brain damage as you aborted

Yeah baby i remember it all...
I've become a defaulter now
After weeks of trying...
Trying to forget.

- 29th julliet, 2006.

2006-08-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

Drifter boy

All you wanted to be
Was never to be lonely
But whenever you opened up
Your arms and let her in
Loneliness would go
Leaving you with new desires
That you wanted so.

Now how are you
Is there loneliness
Blocking your way...
To the other wants
Or is someone there
With a good package deal
Of fulfilling both
Then lemme forewarn ya
As one who might love ya
Deals don't last
Like promises and rains
And today i learnt, love doesn't too.

And some inconspicious day she'll lose
The charms that will wear off
And down she'll fall
To her knees as i
Crashing down on your expectations
Even as God is it seems
Still biased on your side
Like i.

And You're the only one angry
At this aftermath condescension
While reading this
My butterfly
Yes you.. drifter boy.

- 27th Julliet , 2006.

2006-07-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

Synchronicity

Are u sure that the girl in your heart is the same as the girl in your mind? Because when they conflict, you often choose the latter, only to wake up with regrets later. Also, that's when you start messing up the girl's life - whichever is with you.

Even emperors fall and their kingdoms are nothing but relics in soporific history lectures. All kings will be passé someday. We are all made up of the same sand.

Some people speak of great flaws to 'small' people...only for the little people to keep quiet about and know deep down inside, that not just they(the little ones), but the big ones are also doing the same things, just that they gave the big ones opportunities to continue being wordy about those exceptional flaws.

Some people's loves are beautiful castles made ambitiously in the sea- only to realize too late that the moment they had laid the foundation, it was being corroded by the consistency of the waves...for the waves were forever there, and the castle was built with haste and its strength was overcalculated.

Freedom always wins over love. And they should never be at conflict. And if they should be, love always gives in.

Time is the most believed-in Illusion(maya). If it were indeed a finite measurement as it is greatly believed to be, we wouldn't find a wait outside the operating theater, or the wait for a lover to come back and break the ice so long. Nor would we find moments of intimacy so short.

Love is the only thing probably, that, when it is resident, desires the utterance of a beloved's name, and when it flies out, looks down upon the same utterance as an infliction of violence.

2006-07-18T09:41:00.000-07:00

there is no clock in my room since i can't stand the sound of time. it was, however, 5:43am. i checked my cell. it was blank. i tossed. the thought sped past barriers of my subconscious like a dart that missed the shield i often put up, and i thought of him. the one i loved. i tried to blank my mind and put myself to "sleep" - or rather, as it had now been reduced to, background thinking. but no. he refused to go. rather my mind refused to let me get away from the same questions that had been jarring on my mind since quite long. i felt like calling him up. to just reach out. then thought why disturb him by interfering in his life that he'd so proudly pulled away.so i tried to think of something else, but in vain. i crawled out of my bed and put on my playlist. it belted the only rock i had come to adore and admire. concentrating on it i tried to sleep. the windows lay open and the wind rustled the tree peeking at my window sill. as i closed my eyes i could sense the dawn coming up - rather felt the light trying to seep through my translucent eyelids. And before i knew it, i was asleep; or so it seemed at first! then started the spirals of "dreams" as i relate it now to the best of my recollection...

thread#1 : seen as if i was filming it - in second person, exactly like Harry Potter would be when he entered thru' the Pensieve.

"i had held my Dad's hand.i was on the left.we seemed to have entered thru the iron gate of a building, though i didn't see it.i felt it. i could see just our backs-i.e my Dad's and mine.the coloring was a watery gray, nay, it wasn't cloudy. the building felt like i'd been to it before. though i know,i haven't. i saw one or two old people around, but it was not an old age home. again no faces. the building was like some of those buildings i've seen in the quiet areas of Paud Road. only the first storey was visible in my perspective,but i'm sure there were more.anyways,i took my Dad to a jhoola that was tied up in the parking lot- that was either a basement,or the ground floor.we sat down.i tried to tell him something. but i was tongue-tied. no emotion was the cause of it, i believe. i am just mute in my dreams most of the time. all throughout, there's hardly any spoken communication from my side in any of my dreams. anyways, i just put my head down in my hands and cried- and the only evident emotions that were the cause of it were shame, grief, regret. but again , there was no face. not mine. not my Dad's."

at the end of it i felt strangely sad. as if i'd lost someone forever.a father figure.

it(my mind) switched dreams immediately.

thread#2 : again seen in the same way as described above.

"i was depressed. my mom and i were sitting this time in a cafe of sorts. it was a cafe run in what seemed like the first floor of an old building. again the building looked familiar - like i've been there. but this one seemed like i had been to in my present life. its proximity to the sloping road that was visible even from the far end of the room we were seated makes me feel it was on the first storey. the room wasn't big. it had light, dull beige walls.a color i've seen on walls before. some of it seemed chipped, though i dont remember exactly. my mom was speaking presently. again i could not hear my voice. my responses seemed muted. though i don't even know what my mom was saying, but it was evident that she was trying to draw me out of my low, depressed spirits. suddenly i saw a huge Volvo-like bus coming down that sloping road that was running along the building. we were just looking there. and then out of nowhere, a group of jovial but creepy film stars appeared. i can recollect one of them as KK clutching a woman, who appeared to be, more like the usual stylish whores.there were 2 more women, whom i can hardly recollect.then came another actor,who was slightly irritated by the whole group. and then, up came Saif Ali Khan, which is truly mindboggling!anyways, he seemed veyr happy to be there and kept giving me a stupid consistent grin.he had shades on. so couldnt make out whether he was staring at the wall behind me, since that gaze was so straight and blank. anyways, these people were coming up the stairs that started from the road below went up to each storey of the building from the outside. the stairs were made of wooden planks and not concrete, funnily enough, tough then entire building was concrete and there seemed to be no other way of entering the storeys. it seemed that they had come for a shoot. they all disappeared for a few minutes. my mother went up to the old fellow who was running this "cafe" and asked him if he would hold our table if we were to go and serve them some tea!!!(this is indeed ridiculously bizarre!) the old fellow seemed to be crouching n the floor washing utensils or soemthing like that. again no face was visible. amidst this confirming and convincing, this group of actors came downstairs and went back the way they had come. my mom was about to go back to convincing me when..."

it switches my dream suddenly again...

thread #3: here i was in my shoes.i was feeling i was there,rather than being a spectator as i was earlier,filming my own self.

"i'm in an old "waadaa" i.e cottage-style house. i'm standing just inside of the back door entrance from where i can see my mother laying down a bright blue straw mattress down on the courtyard, that has a "roof" held up by bright blue wooden poles. i wanted to tell her something urgently, but couldnt find the words(again).i looked to my left(inside the room where i was standing), and saw a flower pot about 3-4 feet high. beside that(still within the room), was a patch of soft, mocha brown,moist sand.it was moving. it would've seemed to someone that the movement was of an animal burrowing across, but i somehow knew it wasn't. then there was another movement - more irregular this time. and i knew it for sure. the words in my head spoke to my mother, tellin her to stock up some dry foods like biscuits. but she wasn't visible anymore.nor was i actually speaking to her.all through it,i was tensed but never afraid."

suddenly my dream switched again into another thread.

thread #4: here too, i was myself, but this time more myself than i was in any of the earlier dreams.

"here the focus was on only a person-a child. i think it was a girl of about a year old who'd just learned to speak. she came to me.she had black and off-white granules on her mouth which, frankly, gave me a quesy feeling.when i touched her, i felt like she was a child i had touched before.i knew her from somewhere.and this was the deepest point of contact within myself i felt i had during the entire night.and i tried to get her close to me.and everytime she did, which was periodically, i would kiss her cheek, hopin the "spots" would go away.but they didn't.i tried again.still nothing happened.and bizarrely enough, she would run a bit away everytime i kissed her, showing me a thumbs-down,u-lose sort of a sign, laughing naughtily."

whirrrrrrrr... the dream switched again to thread #3 again wherein i was still seeing the movements in the earth.

i crashed into the most disturbing dream.

thread #5: here i was initially watching everything in an aerial view.

" i was speeding down a hill which seemed very much like those foothills in Assam on which tea is cultivated. except that they seemed to have passed. there seemed to be people in the jeep with me-can only recollect that i had an acquaintanceship with them.but there was no emotion present in this dream. the atmosphere was indeed cool and breezy like a hill station's. there seemed to be foliage around too, though the jeep was speeding downhill, so it was all hardly noticeable.as i saw on my right, there was a Christian cemetary on that side of the hill slope. and very strangely enough, there were some Islamic men offering prayers beside the graves marked with the Christian crosses. i turned my eyes away from this sight.(now i was seeing myself again, like in threads #1 and #2) suddenly the loud screeches of parrots came to my ears. i looked toward the left and there were graves there too. but no crosses on them. in fact there were people dressed in white doing some kind of "work" there.i think they were women. and there, beside the graves was one (or more) huge cage, about 2 storeys high, densely populated with parrots- bright green with their brighter red beaks making noises. there was another cage just in front of this one, but more sparesely populated with the same kind of parrots. these were however feeding on human flesh, which seemed fresh and weirdly enough burnt."

there was no negetive or positive feel to this dream.

but before i could react to it, my mind whizzed me to thread #4 dream again.

thread #4 (contd.) :

" i kissed this girl again, hoping this time that the spots near and around her mouth would disappear. this time when she pulled away after i did, she started laughing and pointing at me. her spots had disappeared. and she told me they were on my mouth now."

i felt numb.not feelingless, but that i was still in the initial stages of reacting to the shock.

my mind again zoomed to thread #2!

" here my mom who was trying to lift up my spirits, told me that they had got something for me. a lovely pair of capris, peach colored - my instinct told me, from Shopper's Stop here.(now we suddenly seemed to be in bombay).i was interested.and we seemed to be leaving that room."

and here the whole dizzying spell of my dreams ended. i never saw the capris though!
_______________________________________________________

I have set out to track my dreams - the innermost realms of my consciousness since they put me in touch with my deepest darkest fears that are, i suppose greater fears to one's self than anyone, or anything else. It is all in reference to the TOI article in the Sunday supplement - Times Life, that inspired me to reconnect with what lay within me.

One must step into the dirt and filth to clean it, not be a spectator. Being a spectator and criticising the filth is nothing but hypocrisy.

- Date of the dream: 17th July, 2006.

2006-07-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

Emperor

"When the crown sat on his head
He robed his usual finery
It was an ostensible servitude
That was nothing more than perfunctory.

But look into his eyes...
His wisdom lay there
Tranquil and enigmatic
That gripped them and eluded them, in despair.

He spoke not of faraway lands
But of genius that in simplicity was laid
They failed to understand his dialectic sermon
Alas!they fell in the stereotypes of those beneath their grave."

- poem in class.

2006-07-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offence and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins and delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure...whatever comes."

- A Walk To Remember.

All The Way - Frank Sinatra

When somebody loves you
Its no good unless he loves you...
All the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you
All the way

Taller than the tallest tree is
Thats how its got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue sea is
Thats how deep it goes if its real
When somebody needs you
Its no good unless she needs you
All the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all those in between years
Come what may

Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you let me love you
Its for sure I'm gonna love you
All the way
All the way....
So if you let me love you
Its for sure I'm gonna love you
All the way
All.. The ... Way......

2006-07-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

Episode of the heart

As one waits with the mist of time swirling in and swirling out, one asks, "Why did he end it?". One longs for kindergarten, symbolic of happier times when one had not fallen into love. Why was one happy then? One accepted everything as is. Then why couldn't one accept things the way they were now? One looks for a better reason. A stronger reason. How long can one be selfish and think of how safe one felt when with him? Not for long. Not now on. Sometimes the only source of light is a glowworm.(Her thoughts were scattered and on him.)Maybe he didn't feel safe. Cared for. Comforted. Loved. cherished. Maybe he didn't find a companion in her that he thought he'd found. He expected too much, a voice said. Others said it. He, too, wisely had sometimes. She had felt it too sometimes. But it was coz he gave so much. A natural thought of wisdom spoke within her. Great expectations had led to great misery. And now it just left a throb in the heart, an ache, which couldn't be touched or healed. At times it worsened, at times it seemed distant, but it was always there. Sometimes there was a terror that gripped the heart. She'd think the unthinkable. If he was with someone else, if not by self, maybe in the mind. But then, i reminded her, his life had never been upto her. He lived it on his own terms always. And now he is freer. All that remained, was a situation she wasn't accepting. She had to come to terms with it. That was all that was left. She exhaled.

Yes she would wait. But not wait for him this time. She would wait, only, for him to let her know, that he was happy atlast.

Time had passed in reasoning. But time, she realized, had been lost a long time back. She was slow in catching up - with butterflies, time and people.

She stopped thinking. She focussed on the colors that people were wearing. She seemed at peace. The bus came up. It took her and went.Her soul remained there.

"The binds break...the bonds remain."

2006-07-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

just to you Piyush.

Sometimes it's the hardest thing
To be groping in the dark
To foolishly hope for miracles to happen
And know they wouldn't come,
Cos there isn't anything being done.

It' s agonising, the stillness,
Like a dark, dark night
That just wouldn't pass away.
And one would try to climb
out of it,
Like a high, steep wall
But senselessly again,
Not having footholds or grips
Until one realised tonight
Not to claw.
To let it be.
To love him.
In silence.
It's easy to be a flower
Blossoming in the best of sunshine
And the happiest of breese.
But flowers grow...
in the weakness of
the moonlight too
They grow in an abandoned well too
And if they'd care, they bear the earth's
homely fragrance.

Moved from sunshine to night
Our love has been...
And while the abyss of your silence
Wounds my heart
Our love will still flourish
'Cos you kept it warm...
in the coldest of the nights
Kissed it in the face of your disappointments
And now its my turn
To withhold it just as strong
thru the night as it should pass
To play the part, without stains of glory
To embrace humility
To embrace your generosity
And love u i simply will
To the fullest and pettiest of my being
And in retrospect it will be...
i pray...
One of the sweetest of your memories.

Today in darkness
Waiting and hoping,
When ways of praying
Seem to have been forgotten,
Your love won't be
As every conscious moment
Is absorbed by your memory
This quietitude from you now
Also loves me so still
Like a few moments of Perfect Love
Made by us together
Left you in me.
forever.

2006-07-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

personal recommendation:

"His Bright Light" - by Danielle Steel.

a beautiful story about a mother who lost her son to bipolar disease,or manic depression as it is more commonly known as.may parents find the strength and the incredible love to deal with incapabilities as these...and may God bless those that suffer from it with His Holy healing Touch.Amen.

as i read this book i realize more n more, how strong and sensitive a woman must be...how lovely our mothers are, and how often we misunderstand them and never let them know and feel how precious they are, how we would not survive an inch of any existence without them. that we do more sin by hurting them than stealing from a person. because we kill their spirit in every way that we are rude to them. because they have a right to expect more from us than anyone else because even though the umblical cord was cut at our births, we, as a person, are a part of our mother.

please dont be rude to ur mommies. she loves u so much, that she will never tell you. but u will always feel it. i have sworn, for the better of me, never to be rude to her, a promise i will keep unknown to her, but i know she will sense it.

and may we realise how gifted we are when someone cares for us... to not throw it away for ego, vanity, foolish pride and idealistic principles. for life is short. so bloody short, and so damn fickle. whoosh! before u know it, someone could have run over your loved one. is it gonna take that for you to realise how much you loved him/her?

days are flying by like the revolutions of a giant wheel...we cant stop this life from turning us over every once in a while...and as i feel genuinely getting older with every passing sunrise before i open my eyes to it, i wish it'd not waste away this way in nothingness and empty silences... Wish i could just give it all to you my Precious rainbow-child, butterfly-man, and pass away in a flash leaving you all its brilliance and happiness.

before i get any older, before my spirit sags more with the weight of meaningless, soul-less diurnal activities, take away my youth Dearest. and after it has passed, cast me into any judgment you want to. but not now...please not now... not anymore...jus take my love...let it wash over your feet atleast like ocean breaks into a gentle surf at ur feet my love...

take my love...make it yours, for it belongs to You.

2006-05-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

Why should i cry for you? - Song by Sting

Under the dog star sail
Over the reefs of moonshine
Under the skies of fall
North, north west, the stones of Faroe
Under the Artic fire
Over the seas of silence
Hauling on frozen ropes
For all my days remaining
But would north be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cy for you?
All colours bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting in empty seas
For all my days remaining
But would north be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Dark angels follow me
Over the godless sea
Mountains of endless falling
For all my days remaining
What would be true?
Sometimes I see your face
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
"I loved you in my fashion"?
What would be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry?

-- *** ---
And i wish that the end of love,was indeed the end of my physical life,in synchrony with the rest of me.
For the sake of all other wishes granted,i wish this one would be too.
Amen.

2006-05-24T09:05:00.000-07:00

Answer to your Question u asked @ the den.

Yes, I'm sad and scared
My soul is in repairs
I'm mending parts of me
I broke almost unknowingly.

I'm sad 'cause i broke Us,
I drove you to undeserved tears,
I made myself walk too far
And in doing so, got in me a tin heart.

It's when you loved me
I realized how a woman should be.
Demure and caring...
Her fragility is her beauty.

I'm already starting to feel a li'l,
Or am i realizing it too early?
I won't speak,for i've lost my virtues,
My salvation is to bring out the good ol' you.

To undo the hurt,
I will take you back...
To the man in you you loved,
The sweet one,who was never curt.

Did the change of gloss
Drive away the itch?
It's just the start
There's still a lot left to transform.

Did i tell you i was scared too?
I told you to walk away
And if u had, i'd be a cursed fool
And would've missed out a lovely life with you.

Why couldn't time be still then?
Like the rested smoke in mid air?
Or why wasn't it atleast slow to turn
Like the way Dracula served?

I so wanna curl up with you,
Me, an unravelled mystery
Under the loving care of the riddle
In your arms where galaxies stand still.

written on 18th may.
posted only coz some words shouldn't go unspoken and unheard. even though they maybe passé.

2006-05-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

Emperor.

You're born with a golden crown
With bejeweled carpets being laid
For your steps,as you go away
Why then do you look around?

Handsome prince you're swooned by so many
How can you,then, feel so forebodingly lonely?
Oh you deserve a princess who's as high
A worth as you'd admire...in your eyes...

Why then do you have a cinderella
A lovely maid, sans any gold and riches?
It'd have made a tragic, beautiful fairytale
Had she also been there to catch your fall,in every way.

She asked for a knight,
She got a king...
You got me
But you'd never asked for anything.

And everytime she questions her existence
Never your love,that she never will...
When she sings,you don't wanna hear,
You've grown out of her, isn't it?

2006-04-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

{proof}

The movie was like a book filmed...but only till its prologue...It was aptly short, with no extra trimmings. Especially endearing was Gwyneth Paltrow's performance of the daughter who is convinced at one point by her sister that she was crazy...as crazy as the man she loved and cared for the most. The pain of having his dreams crash that he was so oblivious to, that he was thrilled to achieve it, was heartwrenching...A daughter's agony stemming from her dad's hurt pride in any way is an emotion no daughter ever gets over...

"When i saw it, I feel like I'm missing something - a part of my own self in my life. I'm a bit crazy. I don't think straight. And it takes an effort for me to really talk straight and simple. I'm always a bit paranoid about the people I love. Yes, that's me. Deep within me sits the fear of being alone. Of losing them. All alone. With no one to care for me. Where I will have no one to love me. Like sitting at the point where land ends in a strip of sand and just the sea to walk into, stretching beyond your visual horizon.And that's why (maybe) i prefer being alone, aloof and maybe distant most of the times. The deep fear that i'll lose that one person if i get close to him or her.

It is that reason which makes me play pendulum on some level: swinging close to someone and then, after sometime, drifting apart. I try to be worldly. But inside of me I'm not. In me lies a girl who loves fiction. Who wants her life to be as quietly synchronized as the rhyme of natural poetry. But juxtaposing it is her reality which she can't control, try as she might.
I am NOT your average gal.
And I AM confused because I am considering many roads at the same time.

(I hear myself ask) What do i wanna do?
(I hear myself say...) Study. In college. Learn. Discover something new everyday. Stumble. Fall. Over a half-mowed campus lawn in frenetic exhilaration on having understood some theorem/theoy in its purest lucidity.

What is my most intimate dream? Home....house.

What am i absolutely crazy about? Music. Books. Of which i have so less nowadays....psst...I'd always have this crazy thought that i'd own a heap of books (literally!:) ) and sit on TOP of that heap and read em...gradually reducing the heap size...sinking lower and lower to ground! :) :) :)

What do i want the most in my man?

To "know" i'm crazy and love me and respect me for that. Be proud of me. Accept ALL of me. My possessiveness. My paranoia. My crazy girlish dreams. Someone who's life depends on me. And who trusts me, beyond everything, 'implicitly' as computer geeks would call it.
And maybe someone who'd help me do math.And makes me read out his textbooks.

Santé!!To Mike and Phoebe! who are {proof} enough..."

--- Les pages de mon journal intime.aujourd'hui.

2006-04-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts...

As i cry on feeling the same pain a zillionth time :
" You've made me smile so often,
It would shame the galaxies on their count of stars..."

As i passed the same streets to go to a place people call my 'home' :
" A woman can only be truly understood, if her silence can be completely understood..."

As i wake up in the morning after a hard night of shattered faith :
" I wake up to die again..."

As i get a compliment :
" I wish it were you saying those words love..."

As every song i hear that has the word rainbow is beautiful :
" Rainbows = you dr"

As i'm told how wrong my messages were :
" Why couldn't u just love all of me...even the nastiest of girls are made to feel more loved..."

As i lay benumbed by reality in darkness :
" I'm going back to my childhood where i could scream, but only in my head...
And no one would ever find out...how agonising a child feels when she screams..."

As i hear my classic fave song 'Be The Man' :
" Song left undedicated..."

As the strains of guitar inundate me :
" Wish music could leave me deaf..."

As i brush my teeth :
" Miss u."

2006-04-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

Understanding - Evanescence

You hold the answer deep within your own mind
Consciously, you've forgotten it
That's the way the human mind works
Whenever something is too unpleasant
Too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it
We erase it from our memory
But the imprint is always there

The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth that finds a way for who we are

Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence screaming at our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time

We're supposed to try to be real
We feel alone when we're not together and that is real

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The light that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot bear it all alone

You're not alone, honey
Never, never

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
Move it all away
Move it all away

But the imprint is always there
Nothing is ever really forgotten

God, please don't hate me
Because I'll die if you do
Because I'll die if you do
Because I'll die if you do
Because I'll die if you do

Because I'll die if you do

2006-04-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

Why Marry?

I've always been against marriage, simply coz i never believed people could marry for the right reasons. But of late, as i fall deeper and deeper into love, and started facing more and more restrictions against it, i suddenly feel like wanting to be more with that person and without being asked for justifications.
When together in danger and distress, i realized how much of my strength was truly because he was by my side... When one by one, my friends would leave for distant cities, i realized how terrifyingly lonely i'd feel if he went away...how empty. Indeed the city would look like a swarm of faceless zombies moving about, while i'd keep searching for his face, his eyes, the darkness below them, the long hair, the worn-out ring... all personifying the languid sweetness of the man, who's my own.
To be with him, through the odd hours of the day, or when the midnight oil burns as he studies quietly, or early morning as he drifts off to sleep, making him breakfast, listening to his fave songs that i can't decipher, watching ol' movies together, listening to his comments, putting up lanterns or windchimes with him...to argue about what will go where...and then to collapse, exhausted,in each other's arms laughing about the whole fight!
I guess this is a good enough reason, to want to spend a lifetime together.
In the loved hours, the quiet hours, the sad moments, the off-colored hours, the busy hours, the rainy days, the lazy afternoons, the cold evenings, the stressful days, the hectic mornings, the humid nights...
To just be there...

2006-04-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

À mon medecin...

The synchronous ballet of your thoughts
The ephemeral beauty of pathos
The fatal power of missing you
The fall of tears like blood from the heart.

Your every hurt deepens my existence
I roam in hallways of your heart...maybe even your soul
Who captures whom, we're both unawares
My vision searches fields for the boy in you with the rainbow.

You play with marbles as I'm barefoot
You're the riddle,
the epitome of incomprehensible simplicity
I view the cherry blossoms, but they're so far away...
Like the first eye contact with the innocence of a child.

The lilt of your language, my strange undoing
The dreams I've built quietly of you, your anonymous humility
The thick expanse of homegrown ol' willows
In my heart is your residence of solitude.

Tread gently, O my li'l lover
You're losing touch with the little girl
You inspire her creativity,
With every gesture...
Are you aware you operate her heart in open surgery?
Every moment?
-dedicated to piyush.

I'd written this while coming back home down the usual route the bus takes...
I just decided I'd spend time with the one i miss the most, sometimes even when he's there with me.So what if its only in my mind....
The beginnings came from the track Understanding by Evanescence. I just stumbled on it by chance...After i heard it once,i looked around coz i wanted to share it with him.But he was unreachable.
I just pulled myself back in, and went back to listening it again.This time though the focus couldn't be on hearing the song completely...my mind wandered.Rather my heart felt the absence.
I suddenly felt so tired, emotionally, that if i were to die then, my soul wouldn't come to know.
I felt, the biggest lie has propagated into the world : love is the strongest force in the world.Is it strong?
If so, then why would two lovers, both hurt, both longing for each other, both longing to be in each other's arms, would still not allow that to happen? Anger, frustration, ego...seem so much stronger than love today.

2006-04-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

I thought of posting my previous poems here, but then realized it's not such a clever idea to keep doing Copy+Paste @ the end of the day AGAIN!!!

So here's where someone who has time to spare, and the mood for someone else's creativity can find some of my previous poems....

http://attiraante25.multiply.com/

Do let me know how you found them.
until then... take care! :)

2006-03-30T07:47:00.000-08:00

Unwritten - Natasha Beddingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

...a cute song by Natasha Beddingfield written for her li'l brother.

2006-03-29T09:39:00.000-08:00

Miles to go...

As the day ends too late... board a different bus...an unobtrusive different route charting towards the same weary destination - home.
I feel tears stream down my eyes.They have made my cheeks too a regular course,it seems.A lonely one.
I long for the same arms to hold me.I long for love.As i have, all the conscious hours of my life.
I was asked how i could be left alone in the middle of a street in the middle of a night...in the middle of a fight...maybe in the middle of some obsolete love.
Today the scene's different. I'm alone. I realized how right a dear one was.We all are.Eventually. A sad feeling.I'm alone today...not just at night, but even during the day.
The only one who i prioritised the highest in my life...guiltily and maybe it's an unforgivable sin too, doesn't even know whether i'm alive or dead.
I long for a song.
Maybe not just one,but a whole album...
Through the pain that feels like i'm drinking a poison slowly with excruciating pain, and is searing down my eyes uncontrollably,i talk to myself softly(don't want my colleague sitting beside me to think i'm mad u know...)
I whisper to myself the words of my favourite song...trying to concentrate on something beautiful and nice at the end of an exhaustive day. They come.Forgotten,unforgettable melodies. The violins.The cellos.The prance of a flute. Am i lost in the song ? No. I still hurt.my heart's aching.big time ya...the tears are simply squeezing out of my heart.

The song washes over me...like as if it bathes my soul with warm water...
and another one comes awake with an ethereal, and sweet fragrance :
"Goodbye's the saddest word i'll ever hear....
Goodbye's the last time i'll hold u near...
...That a love so strong...will someday be gone...
...It'll break my heart to hear u say goodbye."

Something stirs a recollection...of a golden thought in an antique memory - Daddy had once told me,"no one can be your best friend...someday there's gonna be no one for you...at that time only one friend will help you to get through - music.Don't let go its company.Ever."
His words echo like as if they were meant to be heard today.You were so right Daddy.
Even with a broken heart, the heart does go on...beats on.Sometimes i wish it would stop.Rest awhile.In this crazy world where we try to be strong everyday...every night.
More memories.More recollections.Of every harsh word spoken. Of beautiful gestures shown. I pray for Forgiveness from the Almighty.
And suddenly the bus lurches.I remember i'm destined to go somewhere.I almost miss my stop.I get up in a haste. Make a fool of myself again as i forget to wipe away my tears.
I get down the bus.
I remove my silent cell.The network is silently perched on the display.
No word from him.Life moves on quiely.My heart breaks a millionth time again.Silently.
There are still miles to go...
...before i sleep.

2006-03-28T06:25:00.000-08:00

Where are you

Where are you now
Where is your care...
Where is the reasonable man
I'd loved when we'd met

Where are you now
In happiness or sad
Do you love to see me broken
When i thought you'd be there

You kissed away my tears
You put away my fears
You made me feel safe
You made me feel treasured.

Now there's a numbness
Settling in more everyday
The more i try to be what u want me to be
The more we drift apart.

Look inside yourself
Do u see the man in you
Who was with me when we'd met?
Where are you now?

How good is it to shut away
Someone who loves you?
How many days will you lament
When you realize she truly loved you?

She cries alone in the midnight blues
Out of reach,out of touch with ur soul
As every moment passes sans your warmth
She feels closer to death.

Where are you when...
At the end of the day
She breaks her rules and her body
To come to you... to get heartbroken.

Where are you in love
Do u have a flower...
Or even a chocolate...
That would light her eyes like a little girl's?

Where are you now ...

-moi.

2006-03-21T07:03:00.000-08:00

Wanna read a wonderful blog...?!!

http://passionrisesfromtheashes.blogspot.com/

Here it is!

And check this one out...whacky huh?!

http://krazyteens.blogspot.com/

2006-03-21T06:45:00.000-08:00

A lost song

Life's going on as usual
Days are busy and hectic...
Friends keep calling off and on
And I think I've moved on...

But when the moon comes up,
All the feigned solitude's gone
I'm filled with loneliness
I just wanna hold u in my arms.

Your thoughts fill up my mind
I wonder if you're doing fine
Do u think of me or miss me even...
I wish you'd atleast call...

All i do every night
Is wait for it to pass away,
While i'm gone with u in a yesterday
Somewhere in my mind i know
I will just have to let u go.

I pray u miss me so much
That u can't bear the silence any longer,
I wish that u ache as hell for me
So you reach out to me even stronger.

I wish our love would really 'happen'
The way it always does in fiction,
Again its just my imagination...
And everything, a desired illusion.

...I know...u may not have the slightest notion...
'Coz u may not share my single emotion.

-- By moi dèpassèe... 2001.

2006-03-21T06:36:00.000-08:00

I miss u

When i see the silver moonlight,
When i hear birds chirping happily,
When i feel the clouds of mist around me,
And smell the spring in the air,
I miss u.

I miss u with all my emotions,
I miss u with my body and soul,
I miss u kissing me tenderly,
I miss u deeply.

When i see the tranquille blue sea,
And the serene mountains around
And the fields with the dancing yellow flowers,
I miss u.

While i'm sipping hot coffee in the cold
Or while i wear my favourite perfume,
When my eyes sparkle brighter than diamonds,
I miss u.

- Written by me...on 25/10/2001.

2006-03-21T06:27:00.000-08:00

Papillon

Life stirred from shimmering pools of green,

Silver cocoons feeding slowly…

Inching towards the freedom of being,

Crawling in a struggling world to reach self-defined glory.

Wrapped up in throes of incapacitances,

Gifted by God, destiny, karma or fate…

In the end they’re all the same…

Indelible impressions on a man they make

Stumbling into a world so pristine,

He finds himself a worm in a continuum of molding

Inching in a long, eventful journey…

Toward a growth - slow for some, n for some so hasty.

There… a worm sees a golden glow…

Just beyond a horizon mellow,

His morning has finally come…

Voilà! The papillon spreads its wings to freedom!

Here we all are…butterflies…

Each such a beautiful example of Life…

Emblazoning it uniquely every instance

On our wings in moiré resplendence.

A riot of experiences and sadness drunk

As nectar from every blossoming afflatus

Groping for that elusive dream in the dark

Until we finally arrive at our morning calm.

I search for my dawn like so many others

The enlightenment I often feel is just around the corner

But in grand curiosity I’m fluttering away

Dipping…soaring n getting lost in weird byways.

I chanced upon a big papillon

With wings so charismatically strong…

With wide eyes and tiger stripes

Fluttering seemingly precariously,

With some latent injury

It carried on ceaselessly.

Until it collapsed suddenly.

I ventured close…a bit frightened…

“I’m alright!” it often thundered,

I went nearer…closer to carry

The tears it was so adept at hiding,

And a pearl of its tear fell upon my wing,

Crystallized into friendship with all its absurdity.

I unburden my friend by just one tear...

Nonetheless, with a grateful prayer...

God bless such papillons who find their dreams

In recreating those that have crashed terminally,

Who see their sunrise in smiles fate left incomplete

And practice masked determination in a vulnerable territory.

Trying to win battles in a ‘No Man’s Land’,

The distance between Life n Death is just a line’s nuance,

Where the death knell is sounding continually in your ears…

Yet you don a shield of courage n a benign smile,

Never settling down on fear...

It’s you, numero uno butterfly, whom I’d trust my Life with in its nadir…

It’s your passion and dedication, for which I salute thee unto immortality...!

Dedicated to Dr.”Tiger”

And to his passion for surgery...I hope he wields miracles in EVERY step of his way...

2006-03-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

Dreams

I believe I have a world of subconscious inside me,rather like The Pensieve,that swirls within my head slowly like a gaseous liquid.
All of them have mysterious reccurrence...a deja vu but within that same realm...called dreams.
At alternating times though i live my life there; the desirable things i want in my life happen there...nay...they do NOT involve anything materialistic.
The only thing materialistic ever featuring in those dreams is....food!

Apart from getting calls on my cellphone from people who are dead,I also have had the experience of an overwhelming feeling of being communicated with a powerful negetive energy...so much so,that i had to fight the milieu of biting feelings...and pray...in my subconscious.Hell, maybe it was just my imagination again....

Earlier,sleep was an addiction for me.I would fall asleep within 5 minutes in a delightful slumber by simply delving deeper...deeper...and deeper into thinking I'm in my imaginary lover's arms...VERY typically girlish watching all those silly romantic movies!I guess though they endorsed sleep well!

Of late, my real life has started seeping into my dreams...i find myself "dreaming" that i'm still making documents for my project(which is over a long time back now), instructing colleagues to do some mundane task: something which has already happened...deja vu in reverse... deja fait (??!!)
However the afternoon dreams are light...and sylvan.Like today i dreamed of speaking to someone like the genuinely good ol' times, and making him laugh...times i am sorely missing.
But i'm wished sweet dreams and i look forward to dreaming: the sole right i have been God gifted with that endures encore.
And though my heart may not soar like it used to before, and the tears make my eyelashes sticky and my mind wants to sleep inspite of my heart's unrest and i won't wake up on an unfinished dream even if I run late in life, i will dream good.

Sweet dreams.

2006-03-15T08:20:00.000-08:00

Come Away With Me.

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song
Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can’t tempt us
With their lies
And I wanna walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won’t you try to come
Come away with me and we’ll kiss
On a mountain top
Come away with me
And I’ll never stop loving you
I wanna wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I’m safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

2006-03-15T08:10:00.000-08:00

So much pain inflicted
On u...on me
But i'm left being the initiator
Once more
Not one satisfying expression
Could i muster
Of my single feature
(God) Gift me one look
One glance
One touch
Qualifying his love well
Once...or one evening
So he can capture
One fleeting moment
Of happiness, served well
The love seems all...
but lost in lost hopes.
Want to just give
a cluster of humble feelings
As passing away seems closing in
Love can't be controlled...can it?

For one last moment
Seems like the magic carpet
Is slipping under my feet
An although i'm trying to bend
I can't reach it
I realize so late
I'm not Alladin.

2006-03-12T08:42:00.000-08:00

Mon Homme

Il a le regard économe He reads economics (not sure about this line!)
Il a le verbe rare, ça me plaît He has a rare verb,that pleases me
Il aime le chant des colombes et l'odeur du café He likes colombian music and the fragrance of coffee
Et ces petites choses qu'on fait sans y penser And small things that one does without thinking about em

C'est mon homme, mon drapeau That's my man, my flag
Mon homme, celui qu'il me faut My man, the one i'm crazy about
Je frissonne je prends l'eau I shiver [i take the water-literal] i fall through...
C'est mon homme, mon abri, mon lit, mon héros That's my man,my shelter,my bed, my hero.

Il ne saurait pas comment briller
Ou comme un phare banal, oublié Or like a banal headlight,forgetting
Dans sa mer ordinaire In his ordinary sea
Il brise les vagues sans voir He breaks the waves without seeing
Ces milliers de lumières These thousands of lights
Qu'il m'offre sans le vouloir That he offers to me without wanting it.

C'est mon homme, mon drapeau
Mon homme, celui qu'il me faut
Je frissonne je prends l'eau
C'est mon homme, mon feu, mon repos That's my man,my signal, my resting place.

C'est mon homme, mon ami That's my man,my friend
Qui pardonne, celui qu'on choisit Who forgives,the one he chooses to
Quand je tâtonne, quand je faillis When i grope,when i fail
C'est mon homme qui fait ce qu'il dit That's my man who does what he says

C'est mon homme je l'admire That's my man i admire
Mon ozone, l'air que je respire My ozone,the air i breathe
Mon opium, mon jour My opium, my day
Oh mon homme, mon toit, mon chemin, Oh my man,my roof,my way,
mon amour my love.

Sorry for the crude translation,but been a long time since i read any french and translated it!
A sweet song...very french, et elle a ecrivé un peu bizarre comme moi (and its been written a bit strange like me) .

2006-03-12T06:06:00.000-08:00

Here We Are - a love ballad that I'd forgotten, by Gloria Estefan.
Resung by Celine Dion at a special performance of 'All The Way...A Decade Of a Song'

Here we are, face to face
We forget time and place
Hold me now, don't let go
Though it hurts and we both know
The time we spend together's gonna fly
And ev'rything you do to me
Is gonna feel so right
Baby, when you're loving me
I feel like I could cry
'Cause there's nothing I can do
To keep from loving you
No, no, no, no, no, no

Here we are, all alone
Trembling hearts beating strong
Reaching out, a breathless kiss
I never thought could feel like this
I wanna stop the time from passing by
I wanna close my eyes and feel
Your lips are touching mine
Baby, when you're close to me
I want you more each time
And there's nothing I can do
To keep from loving you
(Bridge:)
There's nothing I can do
I'm helpless in your arms
Baby, what you do
I'm in love, this is it
There's no turning back this time
No, no, no
Here we are
Once again
But this time we're only friends
Funny world;
Sometimes lies
Become the game, when love's the prize
And though no one knows what's going on inside
And all the love I feel for you
Is something I should hide
When I have you close to me
The feeling's so sublime
That there's nothing I can do
To keep from loving you
No, no, no
Can't keep from loving you, baby
No, no, no
There's nothing I can do, my baby
Can't keep from loving you...

2006-03-11T05:48:00.000-08:00

The Day Is Done

The day is done, and the darkness
Falls from the wings of Night,
As a feather is wafted downward
From an eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village
Gleam through the rain and the mist,
And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me
That my soul cannot resist:

A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.

Come, read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And banish the thoughts of day.

Not from the grand old masters,
Not from bards sublime,
Whose distant footsteps echo
Through the corridors of Time.

For,like the strains of martial music,
Their mighty thoughts suggest
Life's endless toil and endeavor;
And tonight I long for rest.

Read from some humbler poet,
Whose songs gushed from his heart,
As showers from the clouds of summer,
Or tears from the eyelids start;

Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.

Such songs have power to quiet
The restless pulse of care,
And come like the benediction
That follows after prayer.

Then read from the treasured volume
The poems of thy choice,
And lend to the rhyme of the poet
The beauty of thy voice.

And the night shall be filled with music,
And the cares,that infest the day.
Shall fold their tents,like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

one of my fave poems of all times....

2006-03-11T05:39:00.000-08:00

Requiem

Under the wide and starry sky,
Dig the grave and let me lie.
Glad did i live and gladly die,
And I laid me down with a will.

This be the verse you grave for me:
Here he lies where he longed to be;
Home is the sailor, home from sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.

- Robert Louis Stevenson.

2006-03-11T04:32:00.000-08:00

A little girl's poem

I hold on to my pillow
My strongest friend
It never judges, never speaks
Just listens quietly to some of my tears

Gives me warmth in silence
As i clutch it close in bitterness
It knows, the humblest of my feelings
That rock my soul like seas

Sadnesses are too big
Don't have time for melancholy
Moving on like clockwork
I feel hurt by a caring candour.

I love the truth myself
But can't u lie just to make
me feel good once in a blue...
or would it be asking too much of you?

I don't think i'll ever be
Understood with all my thoughts
It's okay,i guess it was just
A million and 16th time i felt lost.